


Thinking of you

by Allison_Goodfellow



Category: Given (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Christmas, Drama, M/M, POV First Person, Regret, Romance, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-12 19:14:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29015670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allison_Goodfellow/pseuds/Allison_Goodfellow
Summary: Time passes, taking everything of value with it, but they remember the events of the past. Mafuyu has agreed to write a song, putting all his feelings into it, hoping it will reach Ritsu. This is the last chance to bring back that first fleeting love.
Relationships: Satou Mafuyu/Uenoyama Ritsuka
Kudos: 11





	Thinking of you

**Author's Note:**

> Song: Outside Looking In – Never Say Die  
> This song could well have been written by Mafuyu, based on his feelings, and probably his voice.
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/29037699 - it`s continuation of this work

[Feeling it fall apart  
Circle around the drain  
Into the dark…]

It's been almost a week since I met you, but I can't stop thinking about you for a second... 

It was as if life was divided into "before" and "after," and I myself was stuck between the two. It was impossible to live my life the way it was, because once I had met you, I couldn't go on because I didn't know how. It seemed to me that I had forgotten how to breathe, I had stopped feeling anything. The world became monotonous and grey without a single sign of life. I want to hear your voice, but it drowns in the darkness, echoing back into the abyss of my thoughts. I'm afraid of getting lost, afraid of losing the light I'm trying to follow. 

[I wish I could make you see]

I usually wake up to find my room flooded with sunlight. But not now. It was overcast. A dark grey sky, like a northern sea, draped over the whole city, hovering heavily over it, and it seemed that the sun would not appear until tomorrow. Every night I lay awake, just watching the stars. I don't know how far away you are, I can't even imagine how many kilometres there are between us, but you and I share the same sky. I hope you're looking at it now too. A strange feeling tore inside when we were near each other. I looked at you for a long time, but I was afraid to say a word. Ritsu, thank you for calling me... My heart does not want to accept the endless attempts to forget you. It trembled when we walked in that city. 

If only you knew how I didn't want to part. If you could only see my tears... 

[And how it all went wrong…  
And how I don't belong…]

I came home in tears, but I could not cry. Emotions came over me like a tsunami, it seemed I would drown under their pressure. I could not put my thoughts aside, nor could I turn them into a song. Scrawled sheets of paper, torn strings, and a disconnected voice. Your image took me by surprise and I woke up in a cold sweat. No, it's not nightmares... it's regret that I let you go. When I pick up the guitar and start playing, I keep forgetting the notes and the words. I try to put myself in your shoes. I wonder what you play, what you feel... There's a lot about you I don't know, but I try desperately to find. I've stopped belonging to myself. Why? Why did I go with you?! Why did you break into my life, Ritsu?! The strings are bursting with tension and my fingers are bleeding. I am in pain, I am tired of constant tears because my heart is poisoned by love. 

[Is it too late to find a way  
Back to the start]

Again in the darkness I remember the warmth of your hands. That day was a wind of change for me. You didn't know that I didn't like Christmas. I had stopped enjoying the holiday after someone close to me died, but you brought me back to life, at least for those four hours. For me, everything started all over again. I didn't see you as a stranger, but I saw someone I had known all my life. Where were you, Ritsu? Why didn't you come to me sooner? But this meeting could never have taken place... We are just random strangers, one of thousands we see every day, and we are the same to others. The fact that we were sitting next to each other was an accident. But afterwards a real miracle happened. You dragged me out of the airport and we walked around forgetting about everything. What were you thinking... Did you deliberately make me fall in love? I'll never know. 

But thanks to you, I found the right path I had been searching for so long. 

[Until the bitter end  
I'm on the outside  
Outside looking in]

I don't know how I can find you in this vast world, but do you want to be found yourself? You fell in love with the calm waters in me, but will you accept the raging ocean? We were so foolish as to let each other go. If it weren't for your determination, I would have remained standing by, watching you. Just a name, and nothing else left after meeting you. If I write a song, will my words reach you? Can you understand my feelings, Ritsu?

One day we'll meet again, and then, I'll tell you I love you... 

***

[I can't stop  
Thinking of you]

I looked at you with bated breath, caught every word you said, but never managed to keep it in my memory. I am fascinated by you. You said your birthday was in February. Indeed, you are like the sun at sunset on a frosty day. That tune you hummed softly, hoping to remain unheard, stuck in my head. All this time I've been trying to pick up the notes, but I keep missing something. I don't know what feelings to put into it, so I said I'd like to hear you sing. 

It's only five days until Christmas. Maybe it's strange, but you, Mafuyu, have become my miracle. Many flights were cancelled that day, including ours. You were very worried about not getting home in time. I was also trying to distract myself, so I started writing music. I don't know what you were thinking, or what my own thoughts were doing, but I'm glad it worked out that way. There, in the park, I thought I would tell you how I felt, but your innocent look made me hesitate a little, and soon it was too late. I thought it was just one chance encounter out of a thousand such, but I was wrong. You were the one who made my heart beat furiously, you gave me back my love of music, so I will do anything to find you. All that binds us is the promise and the names we've learned in the end.

I listen to your song because in those words I found my own thoughts that I was afraid to say. I just can't stop thinking about you, Mafuyu. 

We hear the same rain, being in different cities, but I don't want to be alone anymore. Torn strings won't save the music that's left in my heart.


End file.
